This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
