i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
