Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
