so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
