I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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