Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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