dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
