I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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