ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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