So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
