We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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