I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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