So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Such a big mess for such a small penis
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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