I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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