Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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