I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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