12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just gargled with NyQuil
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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