I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
