Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
