I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
