The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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