if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize