I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
