woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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