I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
