I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
