I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
