Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
