My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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