Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize