Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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