kristin has been a bad kristin
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
