i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
