He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someone came in the potted fern
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
