dude i'm inner monologue high
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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