you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
