Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
