is your mom at the bar?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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