JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
