dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
