I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
