so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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