the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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