This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
