I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
