The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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