currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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