I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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