if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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