but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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