I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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