I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
