did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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