im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize