hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
