Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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