you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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