She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
